Martian's Abode

Had a very difficult night. I had prepped for bed by exercising and then planned to do a short meditation. But as I made my way to YouTube to search for sleep meditation, videos of chemotherapy side effects showed up. Sleep was history after that. I meditated on all possible ways of losing hair during chemo. It was almost comical how hard I was trying to find a sleep meditation that would be able to get my racing thoughts to dull a little. Instead of getting any rest, I learned about the sleep meditation gurus, videos with the most likes, and the fact that you sometimes have to let restlessness play out before you can rest.

  On 12.18.2024, I went for a screening colonoscopy. The screening age for colon cancers has been reduced to 45 years, and I had been suggested to complete the colonoscopy in November 2022 during the yearly physical exam visit. A few days hence, Mom had a major medical event and a stroke. I was reminded again to complete the colonoscopy during the yearly exam at the end of 2023. I took it as a task to complete sometime, but the whole colonoscopy procedure seemed scary as it required general anesthesia, and risks, even though minimal, seemed not worth taking. The  colposcopy prep seemed onerous, too. To add to the confusion, I knew that the previously suggested age was 50, and I felt that I was in fairly good health, so why did I need a whole procedure with potential risks.  But even though I had good arguments, or so I thought, to not pursue colonoscopy, there was this nagging thought that I was not following through on what was advised. Finally, I made a colonoscopy appo...

I finally slept well yesterday night after many nights of anxiety-filled slumber. Felt grateful for the rest when I woke up. The fact that I exercised yesterday evening might have helped, or I was just beyond exhausted from the worrying treadmill. Today, my goal is to block the 'reality check.' Block the mean (truthful) voice in my head that wants to remind me of the bomb inside my body.  Today seems perfectly normal. Sun. Homely noises.  Enya is pottering on her project diligently.  Eshaan is working on his things.  Rohit is making the new bed that just arrived from IKEA. And I am writing in bed, with  Maya sleeping by my feet,  while beautiful sunlight streams through the windows.

Today, I led mostly with courage and was more effective at shutting off the negative cacophony. Nights have been hard. Thoughts race and Google searches only add to the terrifying despair. There is no relief in the numbers. They are not good. Cancer itself was the most unlikely scenario, considering none of my family has any history of cancer. Up until now, I have had no major health issues, and there were no symptoms (or so I thought). Looking back now, I connect the dots and find I had symptoms for which I even saw specialists, BUT the wrong specialists.  I am not sure if I have completely absorbed the news of Stage 2 rectal cancer. Rectal cancer itself sounds like a snake, and I have always been mortally scared of snakes. It is an ugly, embarrassing, scary, uncharted territory. My brain is in chaos. Sometimes, I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience, observing the goings on from a distance as if this cancer is not mine, as if it is someone else's pain. Sometimes, it hi...