Cancer Journey: Day 9

Today, I led mostly with courage and was more effective at shutting off the negative cacophony. Nights have been hard. Thoughts race and Google searches only add to the terrifying despair. There is no relief in the numbers. They are not good. Cancer itself was the most unlikely scenario, considering none of my family has any history of cancer. Up until now, I have had no major health issues, and there were no symptoms (or so I thought). Looking back now, I connect the dots and find I had symptoms for which I even saw specialists, BUT the wrong specialists. 

I am not sure if I have completely absorbed the news of Stage 2 rectal cancer. Rectal cancer itself sounds like a snake, and I have always been mortally scared of snakes. It is an ugly, embarrassing, scary, uncharted territory. My brain is in chaos. Sometimes, I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience, observing the goings on from a distance as if this cancer is not mine, as if it is someone else's pain. Sometimes, it hits me like a train, and I crumble. 

Cancer was not in the plan. 

On Dec 27th, I received the news that a biopsy had confirmed rectal cancer. I was on speaker mode on my cell phone in the hotel room in Santiago, Spain. My gastroenterologist who had done the colonoscopy called. We were waiting for the final biopsy reports, and today, the team reviewed the results, and unfortunately, the biopsy confirmed rectal cancer.